tonight I got really disappointed at a friend. someone that I trusted 100%. This someone is a person that I would never turn my back upon and always be there for. Stand up for in every situation without hesitating, yet it was so simple for her to just push me hard away. it was as if all the air just stopped moving within my body and lungs. I don´t know how I feel about it..If Im sad or just really angry. or something in between or nothing at all. I dont know what to do about it either, should I just tell her how I feel about what she has done to our friendship. It is like she placed this huge black horse between us that wont move. I guess that all these emotions eventually will fade away and everything will just go back to normal. But I just want her to understand what he is doing to her. make her open up her eyes and see all the bullshit and how he is not capable of taking care of her. give her what she deserves.
tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow is today. gonna go downtown to this coffe-shop that I love and write on my philosophy paper. I hope for a grey day
just got home to my silent apartment. Feels kind of lonely to be all by myself. wish mom was awake so we could drink wine and talk about silly things. she is the one for me. the only one I can completely trust and find peace within. she is always there holding me. i should have known that things would change. I got home and nothing was like it used to be. think I grew up quicker than I planned on. she can´t hold me in the same way anymore. now days the loneliness stays.
went out with my swedish friends last night. saw both old and new faces. they were studying my every move. dont really know how to explain the feeling of being looked in to. we were supposed to go to this nightclub later.. but I changed my mind and took the tram back home. and now I´m here..in my silent apartment.
I should have known that things would change..they always do.
Why is it that its so hard to leave a place. I have only lived and loved in lovely Isla Vista for a year, yet this day is a sad day. I couldnt let myself go to sleep last night. I just stayed up. Walked down to the ocean and watched the waves. All by myself. I have learned to love the silence and the freedom of my own company. Rebelution was like conditioner for my ears. And everything else around me stopped to count. All the parties. Guys. Drugs. Alcohol. Maybe I am being to honest right now, but I see this blog as the only place to water my thoughts. I am tired of living in a lie, where everything that exists is a constant search for approval and attention. Why do I care so much about what others think? I dont really know. I guess I always have. Through my life I have always been unhappy about myself and who I am. Think it is first now I really have started to appreciate who Emma is and what she is looking for. I wanna go back. Right now, miss my other half (my best girlfriend)..will never find a boyfriend here. I probably shouldnt have one either. What I need to do is to be myself and figure shit out. It will be weird to see everyone back home again. Just want these three weeks to be over with so I can return to the ocean. The Sun. The birds. And the trees. My trees.
Found myself walking alone on the streets of IV last night. Or last morning to be correct. After trying to get into my room with a passed out roommate refusing to wake up from his alcohol coma I decided to walk over to my friends house. The streets were empty and the night air tickled my lungs. Random people were just like me trying to get home. Or home to a friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, one night stand? I dont know. I find it interesting to make up stories about these people, where they have been along the night, if they like me live in this weird town. It all ended with me climbing in through my friends window. I know that she keep her window open all time, therefore I forced myself to by climbing the tree enter her room. I fell down on the floor and brought all the window decorations with me. She wasn´t home. I slept alone..in her bed. I could hear her housemates that I dont really know, or want to know..getting ready in the morning. All dizzy from the night before I just wanted to tell them to shut up. Guess I didnt.
I have been feeling lonely lately. Dont know why. It is as if i cant satisfy my soul. It is constantly thirsting for more. Never pleased is my everyday mood. I want to scream at my self sometimes. Been looking around on the internet today..pictures and paintings..music is the only thing that makes me okay for the moment. Fuck have to get back to my history book.
Appalling Casualties.
I moved to California. Isla Vista, Sueno. Been living here for almost 7 months now…those sunshine filled months changed my life forever. Im not going to tell you about these months, it is a too long time to cover. But all those days have turned my life upside down. In many ways they have been good to me, changed my view of life and of people. It has been a constant search looking for who I really am. Im not going to read this post, because if I do I will just see myself as ridiculous and start laughing at this sad side of me. I have always been writing, that is just a part of myself. of course it was in Swedish then. So maybe this is not really making any sense what so ever. But Im never going to show this to anyone. No one.
With plans for the future Im trying to find myself. I used to be so sure about everything! didnt think that much about everything. Now I cant do a thing without over analyzing it into diamonds. I have a best friend that I love. I want to be like her, I guess you can say that I look up to her. Or as my Sociology professor would say Im internalizing her personality into mine. Dont know why this constant search for peace. But I cant really stop, it is like this crazy, warm train is speeding through my life and I cant control it. I love the waves and walking on the beach. It just adds coolness to my day. Drinking a latte..watching the waves.
Tonight we´re going to this concert. Or better said concerts. Im gonna dance till everything feels fine again.
Seahorse captain
